A Giant Vermin

I want to cry. I want to cry and just want to be in that state.
I want to submerge myself in my own tears. I want to see myself drowning in it. I want to almost die.
I want to suffocate. I want to feel helpless & powerless. I want to crawl in my own worry-pool.
Only to be rescued by you. I want you to rescue me. I want you to take me out of that cesspool of misery & pessimism.
I want you to scold me. I want you to punish me. I want you to laugh at me. I want you to slap me red & blue.
I fucking have no clue as to how would you strangulate me. But strangulate me by all means. Hang me from the most decrepit tree. Shoot donkey shit at my dead face. Take pictures of it. Laugh at it. Then again bring my body back and shred it to pieces. Distribute it to millions of beetles.
Because that is who I am. A giant vermin. Someone who is a fucking insect with a human face and body of man.

I want you to absolve me from all this. I know only you have the power. You only can kick me where it hurts the most. Only you can put pepper spray on my wounds where it is most lethal.
I want to submit to only you. You are everything I think about. You are the reason I want to die. Because I know that you are subjected to a lot of suffering because of me.
I can't help it. I am helpless to the maximum. The level of grief inside me is venomous to all the people. But to you it is claustrophobic and inevitable. You have been going through this by no fault of yours. But I have accused you in my mind a million times. I had thought you have done this to me. I don't know what makes me think of that but now I feel I am stupid to live. Please grab by my neck and put my face in a shit-pit. Make me drink urea. Give me more wounds. Because I love your wounds. Because I love the pain inflicted by you.
Because I love the way you heal those wounds. Because I love you. I would always do that, till the last drop of my body fluid.

Failed Impression

Life doesn’t always give people ample chances to express themselves. Sometimes, that could be catastrophic for the person whose emotions are unexpressed when the water is already under the bridge.

Ankur always wanted to live a life full of extremes. He was a day-dreamer. He lived in a posh colony. His parents were the kind of people, as all parents are, somewhat uninterested in his small stories. Stories which were beautiful only when you see it through a child’s eyes. Like most of the kids, he became happy & sad with small things. He was always an expressive person, he needed a person to share those seemingly trivial anecdotes. Richa, the garrulous girl who lived just a few blocks away and used to come to the park to play slowly became interested in Ankur’s stories. Richa cycled on her ladybird everyday to sit with Ankur & listen to all his stories. Richa’s banter always enthused Ankur to share each of his stories as & when they happened. Their friendship survived the test of teenage and went to adulthood.

Ankur started to deal with his adulthood. His parents were all ears to him but there was an artificial wall between them which only Ankur could see. He still maintained the same protocol of telling everything to Richa. Richa had also grown up and used to fill Ankur with all her crushes. She used to describe about all the guys she crushed upon in detail. Ankur always had that smirk to hide his true emotions. Each passing day started becoming more gruesome for Ankur.

“Hey! You know there’s this cute guy in my office who blushes in my presence”, Richa says in the middle of a long silence. “Hmmmm, something’s brewing!” exclaimed Ankur. Albeit, Ankur’s heart started churning and all he wanted to do was cry. He wanted to sob with all his energy and take his lungs & heart out.

“I don’t know what to do, Ankur. He is a bit shy and never takes any steps to break the ice between us”

“Richa, I think sometimes women should take the first step. It looks special” puts in Ankur

Years passed, Richa’s heart had fallen for yet another guy which was like a quarterly routine for her. Ankur was in cognizance of this and he did his best to listen to all what Richa had to say. However, during the last few years Ankur had lost a friend. The friend who used to listen to all of his stories. The friend who never judged his stories. The friend who did her best to comfort Ankur when she was the only way Ankur could find solace. So much unsettling this was for Ankur, but he kept all those emotions inside him. There was a reason behind it. Now, he was not that same 10 year old kid. He was a grown man with his matured stories. Almost all those stories had Richa in it. The Richa, who was a beautiful young lady. The Richa, who could make Ankur’s worries go away with a smile. The Richa, in whose presence Ankur lived with tranquility. Alas, he was afraid to say all this to Richa.

He had loved Richa all those years. Now, he wanted to express that love with his stories but Richa never gave Ankur the confidence which he needed to spill the beans out. Ankur & Richa kept on meeting each other. However, there developed an invisible wall between him & Richa.

His life became a brutal maze in which every night he reached the same nadir of hopelessness of unrequited love. Ankur cried himself to sleep every night. This went on for few weeks. He finally decided that he is going to express himself. He had had his share of wallowing in fear of rejection. He brushed up all the stories safely stacked up in his heart. He could almost feel his heart pounding. He had a childlike innocent confidence that Richa would accept his proposal. He put on his best clothes, checked his smell and marched on his way to a mission. There was a minor worry in his mind though. He didn’t meet Richa last evening & his calls went unanswered late last night. But, sanity prevailed over him and he assured himself that she might have fallen asleep.

He presses the buzzer outside Richa’s flat. But, it was pointless as he realised that quite a lot of people are coming in & out of her flat. He asked one of them, “Bhai, what’s the reason for this flux of people?” “Dude, the girl left her body for heavenly abode last night. Peaceful death, family members only realised it in the morning. Doctors say it was a cardiac arrest. Strange thing!” replied the young boy shattering Ankur’s world forever.
Hoping against hope he asks, “Richa?” The guy replies , “Yes of course, Richa. She was the only girl in the house.”

Ankur went inside Richa’s flat. Waved a goodbye and strolled back towards his home without shedding a drop of tear. His life was transformed. He got lost in a different maze. A maze which had so many hints to get out of it. Alas, he never wanted to come out of it. Richa was the reason he was trying to find a way out of the earlier maze. His emotions remained forever unexpressed. He failed. He had failed to put across a proper impression. His failed impression would haunt him forever.

PS : Work of fiction

My Atthani : 'Haider' Movie review

Rating : 9.0/10
Reasons to spend your money : Shahid Kapoor's marvellous acting & Picturesque Locations
You can stay at home if : You can wait for the DVD 
You would like it if you like :  You need an escapist cinema which involves you for more than 2 hrs
You would hate it if you dislike : Movies which entertain you less and make you think more

'Haider' is an engrossing movie which does its job of keeping your woes out of the theatre pretty well for the entire stretch of movie. It's one of those rare examples of Hindi cinema which doesn't stutter post-interval. Haider as a movie comes out of the envelope completely only after the intermission. Shahid Kapoor is the star of the movie and rest all support his performance. It's not that others would not impress you but Shahid as 'Haider' is that special dish which stands out on the dinner table; even though other dishes are equally well prepared by your mom.