My Healing Journey - Should you Take Therapy?

The past 18 months have been rough for me; to say the least.

I have been to Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Healers, Therapists, Activity Groups, Astrologers,Psychics, Tarot Card Readers, etc.

My first therapy session began with me saying, "I am unhappy yet I don't know the reason. I have a high paying respectable job which offers me work-life balance. I have no family obligations. I have no rift with anyone. At the outset, nothing seems awry. Still! I am morose and have a melancholic outlook towards life. What's wrong with me?"

And in the last therapy session 3-4 months back, I said that I am happy and I don't know the reason.

That seemed like a full circle.
When I narrated the above to a Spiritual healer, she was enraptured.

No, I didn't have any clinical symptoms. I was perfectly fine. Yet, I was not well. 
The phase also marked the end of a journey. It wasn't easy for me.

Around 13 years back, when my mother had died of a prolonged illness, I was shook from my foundation. I had lost all zeal to live. I remember saying to my flatmate and co-worker that, "it seems like my 'जठराग्नि' has got doused by the loss of my birth-giver."
Few years later, one of my closest friends reminded me of that phase of life and said that if I could survive that phase of my life, I can see through any small setback like a 'bad breakup'.
This has stuck with me ever since.

If I can see through the loss of my mother, the only person I admired & adored at the same time, I can definitely weather through any storm in life.

I am reminded of few lines from Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood, 
“No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.”

Seems like life is a series of Cathartic episodes. 

Truth being told, there was a phase in life, when I was unable to take shower as the mere act of closing my eyes and putting my head to the flow of cold water scared me to the bones. 
I have gone through that phase. It is in my past, now. Thankfully! I am full of gratitude to all the professionals I worked with and the blessings of the divine. As without the grace of the ever merciful, not a single leaf flutters even in a raging tempest.
Jai Sri Hari!

You may ask what worked for me?
Let me lay down the 4 tenets of healing:

1. You are not responsible for your suffering. Maybe!
2. There is no shortcut to healing journey
3. Your friends & family are ill-equipped to support you in healing
4. Always consult an Expert Practitioner. Psychiatrists, Psychologists, etc.

So, you may ask, "Should you take therapy?"
Yes!
By all means.
I am a proponent of universal talk therapy; a space where you get to bare all your ramblings & demons from the deep recess of your hearth of emotions & thoughts.  
You need the expertise and a non-judgemental space to pour out your feelings. Merely talking things out sometimes works like magic in breaking the patterns that ensnare your mind. 
So, how do you find an effective mental health expert?
Let me think and write another post.

Have you seen the movie : "Bhool Bhulaiyaa" ?

Life is series of Cathartic episodes - Fursat by Vishal Bhardwaj

Life is series of Cathartic episodes.

As 2023 started, I watched Fursat, a film Shot on iPhone 14 Pro by Vishal Bhardwaj.
Before you think this post is a movie review, wait!
I won't divulge anything about Fursat. 

Watching this film, triggered few dormant, ungerminated emotions inside me. I went into a state of reminiscence. This made me jump from one episode of my life to the next, realising that we don't really move from sorrow to serenity, it's only sojourn which halts us! Then catharsis follows, it heals you, it makes you another person.

Now, another note : The film has nothing to do with nostalgia, healing or melancholy. That's how catalysts work. 

Life goes on, we are a creature of habit & adjust to all hardships, to go through a series of cathartic episodes and keep healing and evolving!

Well, on a slightly unrelated note, crying is also good for health. And, crying is part of Catharsis too! 

The Worth of an Option

What do you need to recuperate from, after the death of a loved one? And, what does society offer you the luxury of?



Almost towards the end of Norwegian Wood, the main protagonist runs away into the hills to recover from the loss of a person with whom he shared a difficult relationship. 
We all lose people. People we love, people we care about, people we want to hold onto. And, sometimes we feel their worth, their importance, once there is no way they can walk back.
"The dead remain dead." 

When you lose someone and it triggers an unusual feeling in you, a confused state. A state which shouts at you, "You never cared about the existence of this person. Yet their departure, their ultimate absence is gnawing you from inside."
This is the loss of option. 
Now, you longer have that person.
Now, you can't muster up the courage to resurrect them back into your life. This death of an option is more palpable than the death of the person. This is how some people go away, their involvement in our lives, is categorically more important than them as a person!
Such a tragedy! It is!

Some people die early, some people die alone, some people don't die, only their worth as an option dies, as they were long dead much before their body succumbed. They were dead for the people they considered to be the most important people in their life. This is unfair. Is life fair?

I Heard Everything

When I was in class 4, I was in the swing(Jhula) like just another toddler experiencing the new found joy of oscillatory motion.
Going back & forth, with full gusto!



My uncles broached a sensitive topic. They started talking in English, oblivious of the fact that kids of my age could also understand English.
 That was just so naive, on multiple levels! I heard everything.
Yet I didn’t respond or react. I kept enjoying my swing.

 Maybe I learnt to selectively not respond from this incident!

                             
I met Purna, while she was almost about to alight from the metro train. It was not out of the blue. We had coordinated that, to the T.



I just didn’t give her the agency she deserved. In the hopes of bringing fun, to the otherwise mundane lives of ours, I chose spontaneity.

I’ve always fancied my choice of spontaneity & extempore, over the carefully curated version of life & speech led by most folks. Of course, excess of most things are/is bad!
I just feel that we might have exceptions to this thumb-rule quite often than we realise.



So, Purna was visibly a bit displeased.
 Perhaps, she had something else planned in her mental itinerary. 

We kept on talking on our metro ride back to the place where I thought it would be more appropriate to spend some meaningful time.


She kept on bringing new conversation pointers, and I got immersed in them. It was as if I was trying to hold arrows coming towards me in a basket.


And, she started to complain that either am I not listening to her or I have a hearing problem.

How do I tell her that 'I heard everything', I noticed everything, I took all the cues. I just chose not to respond to everything or at times I just wanted to confirm what she said.
Maybe to give her a chance to rephrase or choose a different topic to broach. Makes Sense?

I heard her joke about the 'fallen bread slice'.
'Kitna Gira Hua hai!' (How fallen is this slice of bread!)

I listened to the joke, smiled mentally, savoured it and didn't show any reaction.
She was unhappy about my lack of acknowledgement. 
As if, I am just not interested in the conversation.

She wanted to know. She wanted the feedback. Did she also want approval? My approval?
Why so? Who am I? And, what does my approval mean to her?

Of course, if it was Validation which she was seeking, I'm at fault. Validation when sought, must be provided. I have learnt this from her.

Purna (पूर्णा or पूर्ण) in Hindi means Complete. She is complete. So, why she seeks my approval or anyone's approval?

Yes, I must hear everything what she says. I must listen to her like an obedient student. I must give her the agency, the power of choice when she deserves it.
We all keep learning & evolving. Maybe we are not  पूर्ण yet!

Of course! I heard Everything, Purna!

PS : Work of fiction
PPS : “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” - Mark Twain

The Accidental Everything

Don't get me wrong! I have traversed a whole lot of distance away from identifying myself as anything.
For the utilitarian sake of setting context, when I was a toddler, an Astrologer told that I would either become a Judge or a Doctor.

"Are these Respected People?" I asked my Uncle

The answer no longer feels relevant to mention it here.
Decades later after a series of missteps, mostly likely resembling brownian motion I have become 'Accidental Everything!'

Engineer - This didn't put a morsel on my plate!
Banker - I always liked Maths & Money; was only a fling!
Teacher - This was the closest I was to finding something to settle down with!
Economist - I never knew I could like this subject; now I can't switch off the Economist's Lens
Statistician - When the world was finding Data Science as the sexiest Career; I found my calling!

And on 77th Independence Day, I have to revisit my rumination of 2020!
How accidental it feels to live in a country as diverse as India, the largest democracy. Almost crucifies one of the most fundamental underpinnings of Microeconomics (& Political Science) - Arrow's impossibility theorem.

As of 2023, 'Voting' still remains the means to the end of Democratic outcome. Is it flawed or not, is another question altogether. 

As an idealist 20-something, Nationalism sounded too straightjacketed to associate with.
With passage of time, my perspective has shifted. Amidst the chaos, it's still a wonder that we are one of the most promising emerging markets!

If you look closely & a bit cynically, you might call it the 'Number Crumble'.
Our geographical extent & the scale of its inhabitants, are enough to salivate any western Capitalist.

Market! Market! Market!

Investors invariably think in terms of how big is the 'Market Size'? How big of that pie can we capture?

India, or more acceptable these days, Bharat is much more than its market, people or diversity.

India is the only Wonder...ergo...Bharat Bumps all Bullies of the West!

Happy 77th Independence Day!